did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
