My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Woke up backwards on a recliner
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