i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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