did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Your dad touched me again.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
