the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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