Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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