White coat. Heels.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
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I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
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I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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