think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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