dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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