Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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