Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
