I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
