just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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