1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
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I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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