some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
