His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
