I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
third nipple confirmed
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
