This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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