i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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