hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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