nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
