I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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