So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
