thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
