You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
