i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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