our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
