I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
