So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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