that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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