Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
