i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Randomize
