Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
