my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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