why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
