You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
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