Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
