Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
