I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
high people should be assigned attendants
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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