You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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