I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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