Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
