For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
