I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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