life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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