my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.