Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
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trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
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I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.