I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.