I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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