why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
