i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
