I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
