we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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