Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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