so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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