I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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