I bet he comes in French.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
